The Asshole’s Guide to American Media

The WSJ news section is one of the most objective in the country because Dow Chemical knows that when it comes to matters of where to invest LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY, their readers want to deal with as little political bullshit as possible. They’ve been Timesing and Wired-ing their offerings more, lately, but the news section has pretty much stayed the same since the beginning of the Internet era. It is also often really boring.

The New York Times is for people who want to think of themselves as part of the intellectual class. They are the arbiters of liberal-arts-major cool, and can be a great source for finding a new oppressed tribe to obsess over only long after that tribe has mostly been wiped out. The only thing cooler than bringing up an article that was in the Times to someone that didn’t read it to impress upon them that you are a fellow in-the-know is to have prepared a long, biting critique of whatever extended non sequitur that Tom Friedman invented 15 minutes bofore his deadline while scraping his moustache for stray boogers. If you read the Times and aren’t Tom Friedman, you should agree with the statement that “it sucks, but we don’t have anything better.”

Washington Post is like the NYT except their readers tend to be fatter/uglier and are more interested in nitty gritty fact-porn than the more artsy Times. The effects on the readership aren’t really caused by the paper’s actual content, but Washington D.C. exudes an aura of corruption that has the side effect of causing major DNA replication errors.

The LA Times is for people from the West Coast who think they are as smart as the Ivy-credentialed guys on the east coast, but are really total airheads who would be more comfortable reading press releases about electric toothbrushes in USA Today.

USA Today is for people with Down’s Syndrome, senile old people and people of all ages and income levels that think reading is gay but like looking at pictures of expensive consumer products and celebrities.

Washington Times is for religious nuts, fascists in denial and college conservatives.

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